streams in the desert.

I have come to terms that God is a beautiful mystery. One in which at times I wont have the capacity or know-how to understand or even wrap my mind around, and I'm ok with that. But on this fine day, I'm learning how to marvel at His grace, and appreciate it. Its like this safety, you know, like that fine blanket, the softness of it, the largeness of it, that keeps you protected and safe and warm. I'm finding myself in the midst of my favorite place. 

Its taken me a while to understand this season as a blessing. I've been grappling and complaining to no end that this is the worst season of my life, but now, with much needed Kingdom Perspective, I'm seeing it for what it is. And it is a refining season of receiving streams in the desert.

Its remarkable, the Knowledge of God, and that Jesus is wisdom, and He is our deepest need. Never before has that been more real to me. That Jesus is our greatest need, and the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Its a never ending endeavor of utmost goodness, just wrestling and chewing on the vastness of the power of God ,and still in the same moment , divulging on His intimate touch. Its a relationship unlike no other, and that's what makes Him God. 

In an instant our world changes at times. Things you think you knew, or thought you knew are challenged. And then you come to the conclusion that you think you know, but you know that you don't know, but you wish you knew what you didn't. Its this ever ending wrestle of just scratching the surface of knowing stuff, and in comparison to the Lord we know a minuscule to the MAGNITUDE of His knowledge.   and that revelation is so humbling. 

I've often wondered to myself..  why does the Lord hide himself at times?

and why must we seek to find.

I think it simply boils down to just choosing the love of Christ, and choosing all of the beautiful mysteries of the Lord even if in our own minds we cannot understand. Its the whole trusting without seeing thing that draws us closer to intimacy with our Maker. It's believing and standing firm that God is God, and He can be trusted. 

Its with a diligent search that our souls seek for Christ. This longing that groans within us, longing for our Savior to come and calm every sea, to come and settle every calamity in our lives. And with much vulnerability, I've cried and have even screamed for the same settlement. And often times we questions trials, and seasons of loneliness, of pain, of tribulation, of spiritual warfare, of separation.... but its in these times that the Lord is wooing us to His inner chambers. Where He himself is strengthening and refining and changing us. 

We are caught up in His all consuming grace, and its a little intense at times. 

I'm learning, in the midst of any chaotic challenge, the Lord is going through it with us. That He, my Christ, is by my side interceding for me. That He is closer to me than my skin. 

His beautiful wisdom is abundant, and He knows what I can endure, and He knows the ways I will grow, and strengthen. And I proclaim that God can be trusted, even in the unknown areas of my life. Even in the midst of my groaning for this trial to be over. But I'm standing firm in the grace, in the truth of my King, that He knows just what He is doing. And to that I say yes and amen.

God reigns, and God prevails, and God justifies. 

And in Him, I will never be shaken.

I will never be hungry.

I will never be thirsty.

I will never be in want.

"There is never a majestic mountain without a deep valley, and there is no birth without pain."                                   - Daniel Crawford

-britany j. chaney

It's in the place of silence that the Holy Spirit boils the truth we receive from Scripture down to its essence, reveals specific insights that are pertinent, and then applies them to our most perplexing problems and our most stubborn misconceptions. As He transforms our heart to beat in sync with His, our decisions begin to accomplish His will and we begin to reflect His character. Go ahead, try it. Open the Word of God in a peaceful place and sit in quietness before Him. In time, the Holy Spirit will illuminate a passage and it will come to life in your mind. Before you know it the knotty situation that drove you to distraction will unravel.
As you learn to "be still" in God's presence, your greatest problems will suddenly become more manageable. He will reveal Himself to you. He will calm your emotions and relieve your mind. You'll discover new direction, freedom from worry, and a fresh sense of peace.

-Mother Theresa

beautiful brokenness.

oh the beautiful necessity of the Lords discipline in my life. its so needed. And so often i'm finding myself resisting the Lords faithfulness to rebuke sin in my life, or the lack of righteousness, and I put up this big fuss or cry out to Him asking Him if He even loves me. Its this place of fear in my life for rebuke. this fear of failure and not amounting to much, or anything at all. This abyss, this gaping hole in my heart really truly longing for that hard love to penetrate these desceptions of false love, and for them to be completely demolished by perfect love.

Why am I so afraid to love, to receive love. Why am I afraid to put myself fully out there, to put my heart on the line in reckless abandoned and just say "HERE I AM, I WANT TO LOVE YOU AND I RECEIVE AND WANT YOU TO LOVE ME TOO!". Everything in me fights love, and I have reached this place with the Lord and with someone else in my life where I don't want to fight anymore, and I want them in. I am more than ok wit putting everything on the line, my heart, the ministry i'm involed in, everything to just let the Lord come in, to every depth, places that I hide, every defense and lack of communication, every inch of my life and my relationships.

As I was sitting in that bath tub tonight, just crying out for the Lord to come and just penetrate these lies, insecurites, past hurts, and this disgusting independence and pride thats dwelling deep within my life. Its this wrestle in me, knowing that I need to change, and then this overwhleming question as to how. Ah, and then the lack of faith and doubt come in and I begin to ever question the entire process of "can I really be changed". But I hunger for the pentetration of this truth, of this love from my Abba that changes me, that never leaves me the same, that shows me how to love because He has first loved me. I want it. I want this transforming love that penetrates me so hard that im radicaly changed and forever healed.

I'm learning so much about radical repentence. Crying out today, from the depths, and repenting and just acknowledging the sin in my life. the sepearation in my life. the lack of kingdom perspective. the selfishness. the pride. the unforgiveness. the bitterness. the pain. the fear of the unknown. the fear of no control. the fear of abondonment. and the overwhelming fear of losing the person that I love the most on this earth. I just began crying out for the Lords beautiful intervention, for His divine presence. And something happend, something so profound within my spirit. I just began to worship Him. I began to cry just remembering His faithfulness thats never ending in my life. The way that He brings things together, for His abounding goodness that NEVER ends, never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Despite my circumstances, or emotions, or frustrations.. he never changes!

Ah, I long to love the way that He does. To just love His sons and daughters the way that they deserve to be loved. Not out of my insecurities, or fear, or because of the way my father loved me growing up, or my mother, or people who have hurt me in the past. But because they are children of God!

I am desperate and broken and in such need of my Savior. The one whom never leaves and never forsakes me.

And i'm finding that He always knows what He is doing. and as Jason Upton cries out in his song "gideon".. i find myself crying out the same thing...

" I don't know what to do
but My eyes are on you"

and this is the state that i'm in. not knowing what to do, but just keeping my eyes on my Creator, on my Maker. Ah, and the truth that brings that brokennes is the fact that Abba gave His only son Jesus to die on a cross for me, in the midst of my sin, in the midst of my selfishness, in my undeserving state. And He has called me to freedom, he has called me to healing, he has called me to walk in His likeness. His love is breaking me. breaking me down. He knows me inside and out. And I long to be healed, to be set free, and I know that there is freedom in HIS presence, so Lord, I say YES AND AMEN to your freedom. Because without you, I am nothing. And without your love, I cannot love others. and I cannot love him the way he deserves.
so here I am Lord, please bring more disicpline in my life, because I long to be a woman who hungers and thirst after rightesouness and I am not ok with where I am right now. I'm here, positioning myself before, waiting and longing to be encountered by you. I want change in my life. I want your freedom in my life, and I'm not leaving your presence until you change me in your the likeness of your son.
i love you. and i trust you ABBA.
amen.

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Converging, conspiring, without giving us any say

CHORUS
You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets in second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

CHORUS
You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

BRIDGE
It fits in your hand like the water in rain
Unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait til I
Put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us...

-"the thief", brooke fraser